Marriage Hawaii - I want to cancel my wedding!!?

I want to cancel my wedding!!?

My parents are driving me to the point of no return. My parents & I have not had the greatest of relationships, they were pretty awful to me growing up. They did offer to pay $7,500 for a wedding, no more, and give me the down payment on the house we are renting from them. Yet while my mother has already had two weddings (she renewed her vows in Hawaii a few years ago) she trying to control every single aspect of my wedding. They have said to me, my fiance, vendors, family, that "since they paying for it, they decide" on everything about the wedding. Right now, she has not spoken to me for almost 2 months, because she has decided to start the reception 45 minutes after the ceremony ends, when it takes 30 minutes - go there, and my photographer said we needed that time to take photos. We and the family in the pictures will ahve to miss an hour of our own reception! Our ceremony cannot be any later than 2pm in KS, and I always wanted to have an evening reception, and she moved it from 5pm to 3:30!! I am so mad I can't think straight, and so is my fiance. Now, all family from both sides are from out of town, they are not going to skip the reception; what they are worried about is THEIR friends not coming. They have invited over 20 of my dad's coworkers/their friends to the wedding, when we were trying to have (& they said they could only afford) about 50 people - now it is up to 65, yet they are saying that we need to cut costs elsewhere to make room for their friends! They said they will no pay for the invitations if it does not have the EXACT wording they want, they will cancel the reception if we don't keep it 3:30pm, they canceled our string trio to make room in the budget, and is making us pay $500 towards our photography, which we cannot afford. The worst she did was sign up to pay $1,400 (!!) towards an open bar, when both sides of the family don't drink - it's for their alcoholic friends!! She has been nasty to me in front of vendors when I try to say what I like if she doesn't like it, she tried to control what flowers I chose for my bouqet, that the flowergirl dress I like is ugly (when she is not even paying for it!), doesn't like the vest choices for the groomsmen, etc etc etc. She even tries to boss around my fiance's mother & tell her where/what to do for the rehearsal dinner. Any time we protest, they say they are the "hosts" of it, and that I am being a bridezilla, and that I am getting my way. I have not been able to decide a single thing! All this wedding plans got started from their insistance - we wanted to get married next fall, but they said we should buy the house from them, & get the new $8,000 tax credit. And my dad said he would not sell the house to us unless we were married, and the credit was good only until December of this year. Well, we found out 3 months ago that if the sale is between family you don't get the credit. By then downpayments had already been put down for the wedding. So we feel we were forced into this from the beginning, and I knew that something like this would happen. I cannot afford to pay for a wedding or the downpayment, but I feel like I cannot trust them not to ruin the wedding or follow thru on their promise for the downpayment. The last straw was a couple weeks ago when she embrassed me in front of family & said that she has decided not to give me my great-grandmother's ring to use as wedding band, when she promised it to me 4 months ago. We cannot afford the wedding band that goes with my engagement ring, the $500 for the photography, the normal expenses a bride/groom have to come up with, & a honeymoon in 4 months. Because of all this I don't think we can afford to go on a honeymoon. All of this because they rushed us into this wedding. Their vindictiveness, their screaming, I cannot take it anymore. This was supposed to be the happiest time of our lives. I want to have a nice wedding, but I feel like it is a show for their friends, and that my dreams & feelings are being completely ruined. What should I do? P.S. Just FYI, I have been living on my own for 9 years, we just moved into this house because it was an investment property for my parents, and I was tired of living in apartments. They have their own house. We pay them rent, which covers the mortgage. I also didn't want to cancel it because my parents would bad-mouth me to all my family, saying I am just a selfish brat. Plus, so many people have already booked their flight/hotel.

Public Comments

Just elope to Las Vegas...
Wow. I'm speechless. I would elope. I would also pay my parents back for any deposits they were unable to recover due to the canceled wedding. Seems fair.
I am sorry, but I would tell my mother the whole fiasco of a wedding is out and go away from a relaxing and wonderful romantic thing with just the 2 of you. I absolutely hate that controlling garbage she is laying on you. This is not the point of a wedding. The whole thing is infuriating to me, and I don't even know you.
Call off the wedding and elope. Good luck!
Their paying. End of story. All you can do is pay for it yourself or just live with it. As for the reception thing, every wedding I've ever been to the bride and groom miss the first hour.
i didn't get through reading all of what you wrote because, well, it is a lot...lol... but what i did grasp is that your parents want to 'run' how your wedding is put together....and you have already invited quite a few guests.... what i would consider is this: -if you give yourself some time, can you plan and pay for your own ceremony? -is it really that important to you to organize the wedding the way you want to? or can you just 'deal' with it as is? -are you 'ok' with some people not being happy with you for cancelling so late in the game? -(about renting from your parents) do you feel like you want to deal with your parents having that type of control over you? and can you go back to being on your own if your parents are not willing to compromise? i don't think you are being a brat, i just see that you may have the type of parents that feel 'their way is the right way, and the only way', which can be pretty tough to deal with.... sometimes we have to make choices to do things that may not be so pleasing to everyone in order to claim independence and a lot of the time happiness. if it means stepping away from the demanding and commanding ways that family can sometimes be then you should do it.... what i would suggest is sit down and anaylze what your next steps would be with whatever decisions you made....
Well its really simple in that... If you and your fiance aren't there, no wedding happens. Period. You have that working in your favor. If they are so worried about friends, let them try to explain a cancellation. And its not so simple. In so many words, and as nicely as you can... tell them to shove it. It's not worth it for you two to have to be at their mercy. It's your wedding, not theirs. By paying for it, they get some say, yes, but that doesn't give them the right to bogart the wedding. I hate working with couples who have their parents in on the meetings when the parents are overbearing and controlling. I can't find it in myself to let the parents run the show when it isn't there show to run. Just be firm and tell her its off unless some things change, NOW. Meantime, pack it up and move. You guys are too dependent on them as they see it and they are taking advantage. You are benefiting them here, not the reverse. If they don't shape up for the wedding, you two can plan a small ceremony with family you actually get along with and a few friends. Save up $1000-$2000 over the course of 6 months and you can make it happen the way YOU want to.
do the wedding. dont use their money. and take control back then change everything to what you want to have when you take out what you never wanted to begin with then you will be fine. you dont need to have professional expensive things or designs. you can do somethings on your own and like find someone who can do it just as good for of lesser charge. dont let your family do this to you. i let my husband chose everything and i hated my wedding. and there is not good memory from that day. and you dont want that. move out of the house and find your own place. you might hate being in an appartment, but it beats the shit you are going through!! well good luck take back the day that is suppose to be yours. then if they dont want to talk to you anymore...dont trip it will just slow down the gray hairs they are giving you!!
I stopped reading after I read '$7500, no more', what on Earth does no more mean, it is very generous of them to pay anything for your wedding and you seem really ungrateful. Sorry but it seems so rude and uncaring.
I would just cancel the wedding and elope. It will be less stressful. Or you could try to take out a loan and pay for the wedding yourself. Cut back on expenses and try to do things on your own to save. It's your day you should be able to enjoy it! My fiance and I are paying for everything ourselves...I know how tough it is. Good luck!
You only have to put up with this for 4 more months. Your parents want to control things--let them less for you to worry about. I know you want things your way for your wedding, but it is one day. Let them have it there way, and you will be getting a HOUSE as a gift. You can deal with a little aggravation now to receive a house! Your right about your parent's bad mouthing you if you cancel. You must have some savings left over $500 is not a lot for pics. And just get the cheapest bands you can get for now then upgrade in a few years. Take your Honeymoon two months after the wedding. You'll be getting $$ as gifts.
Okay, I really feel that you need a bit of a reality check - 1. $7,500 is an incredibly generous amount of money (plus a down payment on a house) 2. if you wanted to have your wedding your way then you should have been prepared to pay for it 3. No one forces you to get married, and that should have been the first sign that things weren't going to go as you planned 4. It would have taken you 5 minutes to research the guidelines for the tax credit, not that that is a good reason to get married in the first place 5. Most people have a fairly good idea of the parents' personalities. Did you really have no idea this was how your mom was going to be acting? I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, that's not my intention. The point of this answer is to let you see that you are being a bit ungrateful.
I would say give back the money and pay for it yourself. Even though guests have already booked their flights, you can still invite all of those guests but have a smaller shin dig on your budget.
I agree with your mom. It is rude to make guests wait over 2 hours for a reception. You do sound like a selfish brat.
Your mom needs someone to bumble bee slap her. I would just call off the wedding and so be it if your mom gets mad let her get mad. It's your wedding not hers. She needs to get a life and live it. You know what I would do??? I would let her keep on planning her make believe wedding and all. You and your fiance's side of the family not show up. That would put a huge ole dent on her pride. Let me say this...I don't like your mom. I don't know her nor you but she seems like a class A bitch.
I 100% agree with Oot n Aboot. If you give them back their stinkin money, you won't have any of these problems! They are not required to pay for anything. On your budget, re-do all the plans. Have a bbq with the friends that will be flying in. Then save up and go on a honeymoon when you can afford it!!! If you don't assert your independence and adulthood, you'll forever be in the vice grips of your parents, and that is no way to live, especially when you're married. Your parents have to let go, but you also have to stop being the child.
I am sorry but I would call of the wedding. I would save up and pay for it myself. I would not stand for anyone trying to control every aspect of my wedding. That's like when my fiance and I told his parents we were getting married she told me, well your parents are paying for everything. I said no we are, Then down the road she tried to tell us to make sure and invite everyone on his side of the family. (he doesn't really care for them b/c of the way they act). If you can't have the wedding of YOUR dreams then what's the point in having one at all. Best of luck!
I hate controlling people. It is said that weddings and funerals bring out the worst in people. Anyway, this is why my wife and I paid for our own wedding and reception. We had complete control and most importantly, NO DRAMA! Good luck to you. * * *
You poor thing. Your only mistake was accepting help from your parents when you knew they weren't good to you. This just proves--in a big way--that your happiness is unimportant to them. This is not your wedding--it's a party for your parents to impress their friends. You need your own wedding. Cancel it now. Your parents (sorry) are very toxic, negative people and are going to badmouth you everywhere no matter what you do. You should at least make yourself happy. Either elope or get married later when you can pay for your own wedding the way you want it. If you can, get out of their property as soon as possible too. Your life will improve the less they are involved in it. I have family like this too (and not even as bad) and sometimes a distant, casual relationship is the only one that will work.
I'm going through wedding prep right now too. You will most likely go through with the wedding. Unfortunately because they are paying for a lot they will get a say in things. Maybe they will do a great job in the end and it is a lot of stress if you have to do it all on your own. A lot of parents want their friends there to show off their daughter's wedding to them - that is normal. Its too bad that you parents are soo pushy but you must have know that would come with the money. So you will have to tough it out and just be happy when it is over. Don't worry about the bad mouthing - it will make her look bad for bad mouthing her own daughter. And I suggest having them over for dinner and talking to her really nicely about some things that you want and how you are feeling. Let her know how appreciative you are of all her money and effort and then ask for something that you want to do. She will be more willing to negotiate if you butter her up first. Now for cancelling...would that be because you don't want to marry your fiance or to get back at your parents? If you still want to marry your fiance then just go for it. If you guys don't want to then wait, dont' cancel just coz of your parents. Just sit back and let them do their thing. You'll be okay.